He's not coming back
by abbieabigail
Summary: I thought about what Dean might be feeling after Cas was gone and the result is my approximation of his feels..


_**Disclaimer; I thought about what Dean might be feeling after Cas was gone and the result is my approximation of his feels. I don't think I'm good at writing in the first person, so this just happened, I'm rolling with it and I'm going to pretend it's an inner monologue or written by Chuck, or something, k? AU because Cas isn't gone.**_

_**I apologise if my Dean/eventual Cas are OOC, it's the first time I've written them, so..**_

'_He's not coming back. He's NOT coming back. Damn it!' _

_Dean had been thinking this every waking moment. Because even though he'd seen it with his own eyes, he wanted, with everything that he had, for it to not be true. I mean, he'd been to hell and back, and almost died, for god's sake. Every time they come close something pulls them back, and that has to be the case for Cas too, right? _

_If there was ever a time for a freaking miracle, then this has got to be it, right here. _

_He's never believed, but finds himself praying, again and again, because this is not finished yet, and because he needs that goddamn angel more than ever. This would be the least that a God could do, seeing as he sat back and enjoyed the view while all around chaos reigned. _

_He believes in Cas, above all. And seeing as they're all out of options, this is as much as he can do._

_There's so much he wanted to_

_He didn't even tell him that he thinks he might be_

_There are questions and things left unsaid and __**letters,**__ which he would never show anyone, let alone admit he'd written - whatever happened to no chickflick moments?_

_There's always a way, so why couldn't they find one this time?_

_Cas, I _

_I'm sorry_

_I love you_

_I don't know what to say but I do know that there's no way you're __**gone,**__ gone. (Ijust..youwouldn'..) Why didn't I just freaking say it? When I realised how important you'd become to me why the hell did I not just SAY IT._

_Or why didn't I say thank you at least? There's so many whys and what ifs and I just_

_Get your angel ass down here NOW. Okay? _

_Cas, please. I'm begging you, okay? I know you're out there so just.. use some of that angel mojo and help me out here. (I'mkindofbrokenwithoutyou)_

_Eventually, his prayers to Cas became less frequent, and that's not to say he's given up on him, because he couldn't ever. It's just it's looking less and less likely that Cas actually __**is**__ out there._

_After Bobby especially he just doesn't think he can go through that kind of pain again. So it's sort of a case of out of sight, out of mind. Keep calm and carry on._

_But still the pain ebbs and flows, always just under the surface, never really going away. _

_He can put on a brilliant façade, pretend he hasn't got a care in the world, when in reality it's a (sometimes losing) battle to keep floating, and not allow the pain to drown him, pull him under._

_He didn't realise someone was watching that night everything just became too much and, because he thought no one could see, he let himself feel, just for a minute, and yes a tear or two might have spilled out, but they totally didn't count if nobody saw._

_He slowly turned around lifted his head, trying desperately not to hope, because if what he was thinking just happened was true, well then that'd change everything.._

'_Dean..'_

'_WHAT, Cas? You can't expect to just swoop back in, y'know..'_

'_I know that. You seemed to be hurting.'_

'_What do you care?' Dean snapped._

'_I thought you'd have known by now that I care very much'_

_Yeah? Well where__** were**__ you all this time? You would've been here if you cared'_

'_It's not that simple..'_

'_Whatever, Cas, welcome back' Dean said, sarcastic as always._

_(Yes I'm really bad at dialogue/first person, I know)_

_It took weeks, __**months,**__ but slowly, day by day, Dean and Cas began to fall into their old patterns and their relationship, although not fully healed, began to get back to normal. Or as normal as it could be, considering everything that'd happened. _

_Over those days, weeks, months, more than once Dean caught himself softening, something inside him saying 'HE CAME BACK. FOR YOU. There's no other reason he's here. He did this because he didn't want you to feel, well, pretty much the way you're feeling.' He'd catch himself staring, find himself missing the invasion of his personal space, and have to use everything he had to pull himself back. He didn't feel ready He couldn't feel like this right now, because Cas'd screwed up. Big time._

'_Dean, I..'_

'_Don't, Cas, don't know how to deal with this right now, just.. let me breathe a minute, okay?'_

'_You're having difficulty breathing?'_

'_It's an expression, Cas. I'm still.. processing all this, give me time'_

'_I just wanted to explain..'_

_He wanted more than anything to say 'I never completely blamed you. __I missed you. I'm sorry'_

'_You don't need to. I was harsh because I was still angry, furious, and it's going to be hard to get over everything that happened, I still haven't completely, but now it's pretty much old news..'_

'_I wanted to make sure that you realise that I came back partially because of my attachment to you and Sam, but mainly, mostly, because of you. I care for you more than I've cared for anyone.'_

_In that moment Dean was pretty much dumbstruck, he somehow knew deep down that Cas had feelings for him, but hearing him say it was better than everything he loved. Better than driving the impala on a hot day with the windows down and, of course, classic rock blasting from the stereo, better than a slice or two of pie, just __**everything**__, all at once, and more so. _

'_Damn it, Cas, __**I know**__, of course I do.'_

'_You're the best thing in my life, Dean Winchester.'_

'_It just so happens, Cas, that __**you're **__the best thing in mine.'_

_It didn't surprise Sam at all when he found out about what had happened during a somewhat awkward conversation later that day. He'd always known that his brother and the angel had a more profound bond, and had secretly hoped that they'd figure it out, too._


End file.
